bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
