Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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