just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I love having hate sex.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
