toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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