So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
