phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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