currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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