Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
