My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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