We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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