You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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