I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
