Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
