Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
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Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
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Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.