I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back