I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
