apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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