I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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