i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
