Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
