I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
