hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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