yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
