I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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