I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
