The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
