new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
My ATM looks so different sober.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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