I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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