I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
