Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
