So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
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I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
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I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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