i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
