cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
