Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
