I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
