I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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