I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I AM VODKA MAN
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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