You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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