she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
