ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
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