Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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