how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We left the knife in your bed.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
