I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
