Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
