Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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