im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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