Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
