Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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