Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
