matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
where are you?
Hypothermia
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
