i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
