I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
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i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
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We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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