Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
