I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
