whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
