can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
