the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
