I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
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looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
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she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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